The Cost of Hypervigilance

I have always had a degree of anxiety, but my hypervigilance really began to intensify and grow in my early thirties. At that time I was doing a lot of rescue and care for cats out of my home, and I owned a lot of cats that were either seriously, chronically ill, in what I called "kitty hospice", or were geriatric. All three of these states of being required me as the pet owner to be vigilant of my cats' conditions all the time, because cats are notorious for masking how ill they feel until the condition becomes critical.

In short order, I became very skilled at detecting and interpreting minute changes in behavior and health; but with this new ability, I also became more anxious and hypervigilant. The fact that my vigilance was proven right over, and over, and over again with confirmation from the vet only encouraged my brain to believe that, "ah yes, hypervigilance is validated. We must stay vigilant at all times because the cost of relaxing is possibly death for your cats."

My hypervigilance also spilled over into doing massive amounts of internet research on my cats' conditions and learning vet technician techniques to help do the long term care for my cats from home. Sometimes the vet visit was solely for the purpose of getting a prescription for a condition that I had already successfully diagnosed at home (and the vet confirmed of course).

Fast forward twelve years and I am a basket case. It's not healthy to be in a state of hypervigilance 24/7. I no longer have cats, but I do have small children with interoception issues who often hide or cannot communicate what health issue they are suffering with, so my hypervigilance has now latched on to them, with much the same results. Mommy observes illnesses before they have a chance to worsen and become critical, but the cost is mommy being a nervous wreck all day, every day. I also am now the full time, live-in care giver for my medically complicated father who requires 24 hour assistance, and who also is autistic with low interoception. Every time I drop my vigilance and assume things will be okay, he has another medical emergency.

So this powerful, jumpy magician is feeling kind of rough, thanks for asking. How exactly does one extinguish hypervigilance, when your observational skills and research keep validating that yes! your vigilance really is a matter of life and death to your loved ones?

Image credit to @rokwon on Twitter